The Long Goodbye
For several months we have been calling our life the "the long goodbye" because for about the last year we have been trying to transition between living here to moving there. Several years ago now, we started telling people we are close to, that someday we would be moving on from here to plant a church. Someday is now here and we are still living in the midst of that transition. I expect that the reality of the situation won't really hit until we've actually been there for awhile. Of course we do have to get there first.
House Update:
We are almost completely done with the sale of our house! A buyer emerged toward the middle of December. We had an offer just before Christmas. We countered the offer and he accepted it. He had the inspection done on December 27th and has been having a variety of people come make estimates on repairs the first few weeks of this month. We went into the formal contract phase this week. Barring any unforeseen complications, we should be closing on our house here on February 15th. Unfortunately, because this is a difficult market, we are not going to be making enough on the house here to be able to put a downpayment on something there. We do feel fortunate to be able to walk away without being completely upsidedown, but I have to say it is a bit of a disappointment.
Bad News/Good News
The bad news is, we are having a difficult time finding something affordable to rent in the area that we feel called to work. There are many factors as we move there that we feel need to fall into place and they just haven't yet. That news could be worse if there weren't good news to go along with it. The good news is that we don't have to be out of our house on February 15th if we don't have another place to live yet. The buyer doesn't need to live here until the summer and will be extending us an occupancy agreement should we need it. The trouble is, we are more than ready to be there and not here, so we would love not to need it.
"Who goes there?"
Some very exciting news is that we've already begun to minister in south Santa Fe (there). We have been holding church services for the past few weeks at our friends' home there and it has been very encouraging. Building new relationships there has only made it more evident to us how much we need to be there to do all that we are called to do. While we are so thankful for the many incredible relationships we have built here, it is time for us to move forward.
"I Don't Know"
These are the words that I find myself saying far too often these days. I know that I am tired of saying them so I can't even fathom how tired my kids are to hear them. "When are we moving there?" "I don't know." "Where are we going to live there?" "I don't know." It is hard for me so I know it is much more difficult for them. The great news is that I know who does know and I can trust Him. He has a plan for us there, and I need to remind myself everyday when I'm feeling discouraged that His ways are higher than my ways. Some days aren't as hard as others. Thank goodness!
Limbo Continues
So, do we pack like we are moving there next week or do we relax and enjoy the remainder of our time here? It is a hard balance. I've been working on packing things we don't use everyday but I don't want to live in a carboard jungle for too long. I've been trying to plan sleepovers, play dates and get togethers with special friends (both mine and theirs) so that this transition is fun too. I'm hoping when it is all said and done, we will get to have all these memories stored up for the times when it isn't so easy there, because I know there will be days when we really miss it here. It would be wrong not to feel that way about a place that we have called home for so long and for people that we have considered family here.
I think maybe this describes best how we feel:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9m-kbBamg_U
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Not Enough Words
There are just not enough words to describe how I feel about her. Today is her day. She would be turning 93. I've found it difficult to bring myself to write this post because I want so much to honor her with it. I don't want to be too wordy but simple and warm and welcoming. That is who she was. But, there are just things that I want to say about her, to give a picture of who she was to me. And, I'm finding that there just aren't enough words to say all that I feel when I think of Grandma.
When I think of her I think of:
-Welcome. As a little kid I can remember driving for days to get to her house. We would stop at different relatives' houses to sleep and visit, but the goal was to get to the farm. Occasionally, we would go into town first which only prolonged our wait. I am terrible about direction and to this day, couldn't find the place if I had to, but I could feel it inside me like butterflies. We would round a corner and pass by some familiar houses, groves of trees or farm equipment and there it would be. Waiting and looking just like last time. It had the longest gravel driveway imaginable that crunched under the weight of the car. I always wanted to jump out of the car and run the rest of the way, thinking I could somehow get there sooner, because the last few seconds were so hard. There she would be to welcome us, smiling through her tears of joy. I could see her bite her lip to keep from crying, so much pride and excitement in her eyes. Usually she was standing by the side patio with open arms, the long driveway giving away our surprise. But if she was inside she would come dashing out and be there before we could step out of the car. It was a race to get to her first. She would lick her lips after every person and give each one the sloppiest wet kiss right on the lips. Yes, it was a little gross, but it was from Grandma and her welcome wouldn't be the same without it.
- Bacon! I'm not joking! I can't smell, hear the sizzle, or eat bacon without thinking of her. I can see her pulling each smooth piece off the uncooked, thickly sliced pile and transferring it to the iron skillet that sizzled with joy as it received each new piece. The smell of her kitchen at breakfast rousing even the hardest sleeper to come and enjoy the morning on the farm. Wishing me a good morning with a squeeze that no one can imitate, she wouldn't lose a beat in her morning routine. Nothing could compare to the perfection of breakfast with Grandpa and Grandma and no day ever started out better than that.
-Special. She had a way of making us feel special. Whether by buying our favorite cereal or sending gum and balloons from her bank through the mail or letting us pick out a treat on a trip to the grocery store, simple acts to show that we were special to her. I remember once that she asked what our favorite candy was and then brought the hugest bag of Jolly Ranchers to our house that I'd ever seen. They were all cherry flavored and wherever she had been storing them left the funniest floral taste on them. We ate them anyway...ALL of them, and I'm sure I had more than my fair share. She always sent us a dollar for our birthdays and continued the tradition on to my own children. I have a picture of each of them with the last dollar she ever sent a few years ago.
-Fun Vocabulary. She used cool words like yonder, folks, and kin. They were awesome! Really, what I wouldn't give to hear her tell me about someone I didn't know who lives "over yonder".
-Laughter. She had the best laugh. I loved hearing her tell stories or talk fondly about family and friends. She lit up the room with her laughter and joy.
-Kittens. She liked cats. Her favorite were the white ones. She had a lifelike statue of a white cat with blue eyes in her living room. It was the only kind she would let inside. She did make an exception for us once when we found a very sick little kitten that we tried to nurse back to health. It was black and white and she helped us feed it with a water dropper. It spent the night in the entry room where the coffee pot was. It survived the night but was gone before the next day. I also remember finding a set of three butterscotch striped kittens that we played with and made into her pets whether she wanted them or not. By the time we left at the end of the week, they were hers.
-Measurement. She had the most fantastic way of showing you how big something was by holding out her left index finger and using her other hand to compare the length of it to. I loved it when she did that.
-Chickens. She had the best chicken coop ever. It was musty and stinky and dark. I was seriously scared to go in there but really I loved it. Gathering eggs in there was such a treat. I loved the sound of the rooster crowing in the morning. It was so creepy and amazing to see Grandma wring the neck off one of the birds, see it run around the yard without its head, watch her pluck all the feathers off it and chop and fry it up...nothing ever tasted better than freshly murdered fried chicken on Grandma's farm.
-Home Remedies. Grandma used "Germ-trol" (basically pinesol) as a cure-all. If you had a cut or blister -germtrol, dog bite or knee scrape- germtrol, splinter from the barn...yep -germtrol. Once I did get a sunburn and she prescribed (not germtrol) but vinegar and brown paper. It worked. So did the germtrol usually. She also used fingernail polish on chigger bites. One time my sister had a wart and she took her to see a guy that gave her a quarter to buy her favorite candybar and then rub it on the wart after each bite. I think that worked too. I love home remedies because of her.
-Music. She loved music. She had a groovy organ and would play all kinds of hymns "by ear". She could also play the harmonica, which I didn't know until I was much older and she played it at our house. She was pretty good at it and the best part was that she had a blast doing it. She loved to sing and be sung to. My oldest daughter sang "Jesus Is All the World To Me" to her once when she was about four years old and you would have thought that it was the best gift she had ever received.
-Fancy. She loved to get dressed up and she put a lot of care into her appearance in a simple way. She loved her clip on earrings, pretty pins and necklaces and wearing fingernail polish, usually her favorite color red. Eventhough I am not a girly girl myself, I appreciated it about her.
-Church. She loved church. This might be the area of life I have the most in common with her. She felt at home at church and was there every time the doors were open. She sang in the choir, she taught Bible studies, she organized people, and she directed Vacation Bible School for more than her fair share of years. She was an amazing servant and didn't need the appreciation from people because she did it to please God and she loved doing it. I have a lot to live up to.
-Wonder. She knew how to be a life long learner. I don't think there was anything she wasn't willing to try. She was brave not foolish. I loved that, well into her later years, she went bowling for the first time and kayaking and too many other things to name, and she had so much fun doing it. She was excited about learning something new and had a child-like wonder that many never experience once they are grown. I loved that about her.
-Love. She knew how to love better than anyone I know. She knew how to put other people first. She loved babies, children, and elderly people. She loved her friends and cared for them well. She was always doing something kind for someone else. She wrote me letters and told me how proud she was of me. She loved her family. She loved my husband. She loved my children. She loved me.
-Memorable. Everyone knew her and she knew them all too. If you went anywhere with her she was constantly saying hello to someone she knew. She had a story about anyone you could ask her about. Even until her last days, she could tell you details about things and people that no one else remembered. She was respected and loved by many. Even the people who cared for her during her last days thought so highly of her.
-Faith. She was a faithful follower of Christ. I know that when she got to meet Him face to face He embraced her as His friend and bride. I know that she passed away on the eve of the day that we celebrate His birth so that there will be a constant reminder that they were linked for life. That her death is an extension of the life she lived that pointed others to Him. When she gave her life to Christ as a young person, she took it seriously and lived an honorable life that must have pleased Him to no end.
-Prayer. She knew how to pray. She prayed for people she knew and didn't know. She prayed for her friends and her family. I know that she prayed for me. I think I will miss that most of all.
My Grandma Short was amazing. She had more grace, and joy and devotion than anyone I have ever known. She will forever be someone I look up to and admire and will strive to emulate in many ways. I am thankful to have known her and will miss her for the rest of my days. I look forward to seeing her again someday in heaven. I'm sure she will greet me well and laugh with joy when we see each other again.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=547030551993310
When I think of her I think of:
-Welcome. As a little kid I can remember driving for days to get to her house. We would stop at different relatives' houses to sleep and visit, but the goal was to get to the farm. Occasionally, we would go into town first which only prolonged our wait. I am terrible about direction and to this day, couldn't find the place if I had to, but I could feel it inside me like butterflies. We would round a corner and pass by some familiar houses, groves of trees or farm equipment and there it would be. Waiting and looking just like last time. It had the longest gravel driveway imaginable that crunched under the weight of the car. I always wanted to jump out of the car and run the rest of the way, thinking I could somehow get there sooner, because the last few seconds were so hard. There she would be to welcome us, smiling through her tears of joy. I could see her bite her lip to keep from crying, so much pride and excitement in her eyes. Usually she was standing by the side patio with open arms, the long driveway giving away our surprise. But if she was inside she would come dashing out and be there before we could step out of the car. It was a race to get to her first. She would lick her lips after every person and give each one the sloppiest wet kiss right on the lips. Yes, it was a little gross, but it was from Grandma and her welcome wouldn't be the same without it.
- Bacon! I'm not joking! I can't smell, hear the sizzle, or eat bacon without thinking of her. I can see her pulling each smooth piece off the uncooked, thickly sliced pile and transferring it to the iron skillet that sizzled with joy as it received each new piece. The smell of her kitchen at breakfast rousing even the hardest sleeper to come and enjoy the morning on the farm. Wishing me a good morning with a squeeze that no one can imitate, she wouldn't lose a beat in her morning routine. Nothing could compare to the perfection of breakfast with Grandpa and Grandma and no day ever started out better than that.
-Special. She had a way of making us feel special. Whether by buying our favorite cereal or sending gum and balloons from her bank through the mail or letting us pick out a treat on a trip to the grocery store, simple acts to show that we were special to her. I remember once that she asked what our favorite candy was and then brought the hugest bag of Jolly Ranchers to our house that I'd ever seen. They were all cherry flavored and wherever she had been storing them left the funniest floral taste on them. We ate them anyway...ALL of them, and I'm sure I had more than my fair share. She always sent us a dollar for our birthdays and continued the tradition on to my own children. I have a picture of each of them with the last dollar she ever sent a few years ago.
-Fun Vocabulary. She used cool words like yonder, folks, and kin. They were awesome! Really, what I wouldn't give to hear her tell me about someone I didn't know who lives "over yonder".
-Laughter. She had the best laugh. I loved hearing her tell stories or talk fondly about family and friends. She lit up the room with her laughter and joy.
-Kittens. She liked cats. Her favorite were the white ones. She had a lifelike statue of a white cat with blue eyes in her living room. It was the only kind she would let inside. She did make an exception for us once when we found a very sick little kitten that we tried to nurse back to health. It was black and white and she helped us feed it with a water dropper. It spent the night in the entry room where the coffee pot was. It survived the night but was gone before the next day. I also remember finding a set of three butterscotch striped kittens that we played with and made into her pets whether she wanted them or not. By the time we left at the end of the week, they were hers.
-Measurement. She had the most fantastic way of showing you how big something was by holding out her left index finger and using her other hand to compare the length of it to. I loved it when she did that.
-Chickens. She had the best chicken coop ever. It was musty and stinky and dark. I was seriously scared to go in there but really I loved it. Gathering eggs in there was such a treat. I loved the sound of the rooster crowing in the morning. It was so creepy and amazing to see Grandma wring the neck off one of the birds, see it run around the yard without its head, watch her pluck all the feathers off it and chop and fry it up...nothing ever tasted better than freshly murdered fried chicken on Grandma's farm.
-Home Remedies. Grandma used "Germ-trol" (basically pinesol) as a cure-all. If you had a cut or blister -germtrol, dog bite or knee scrape- germtrol, splinter from the barn...yep -germtrol. Once I did get a sunburn and she prescribed (not germtrol) but vinegar and brown paper. It worked. So did the germtrol usually. She also used fingernail polish on chigger bites. One time my sister had a wart and she took her to see a guy that gave her a quarter to buy her favorite candybar and then rub it on the wart after each bite. I think that worked too. I love home remedies because of her.
-Music. She loved music. She had a groovy organ and would play all kinds of hymns "by ear". She could also play the harmonica, which I didn't know until I was much older and she played it at our house. She was pretty good at it and the best part was that she had a blast doing it. She loved to sing and be sung to. My oldest daughter sang "Jesus Is All the World To Me" to her once when she was about four years old and you would have thought that it was the best gift she had ever received.
-Fancy. She loved to get dressed up and she put a lot of care into her appearance in a simple way. She loved her clip on earrings, pretty pins and necklaces and wearing fingernail polish, usually her favorite color red. Eventhough I am not a girly girl myself, I appreciated it about her.
-Church. She loved church. This might be the area of life I have the most in common with her. She felt at home at church and was there every time the doors were open. She sang in the choir, she taught Bible studies, she organized people, and she directed Vacation Bible School for more than her fair share of years. She was an amazing servant and didn't need the appreciation from people because she did it to please God and she loved doing it. I have a lot to live up to.
-Wonder. She knew how to be a life long learner. I don't think there was anything she wasn't willing to try. She was brave not foolish. I loved that, well into her later years, she went bowling for the first time and kayaking and too many other things to name, and she had so much fun doing it. She was excited about learning something new and had a child-like wonder that many never experience once they are grown. I loved that about her.
-Love. She knew how to love better than anyone I know. She knew how to put other people first. She loved babies, children, and elderly people. She loved her friends and cared for them well. She was always doing something kind for someone else. She wrote me letters and told me how proud she was of me. She loved her family. She loved my husband. She loved my children. She loved me.
-Memorable. Everyone knew her and she knew them all too. If you went anywhere with her she was constantly saying hello to someone she knew. She had a story about anyone you could ask her about. Even until her last days, she could tell you details about things and people that no one else remembered. She was respected and loved by many. Even the people who cared for her during her last days thought so highly of her.
-Faith. She was a faithful follower of Christ. I know that when she got to meet Him face to face He embraced her as His friend and bride. I know that she passed away on the eve of the day that we celebrate His birth so that there will be a constant reminder that they were linked for life. That her death is an extension of the life she lived that pointed others to Him. When she gave her life to Christ as a young person, she took it seriously and lived an honorable life that must have pleased Him to no end.
-Prayer. She knew how to pray. She prayed for people she knew and didn't know. She prayed for her friends and her family. I know that she prayed for me. I think I will miss that most of all.
My Grandma Short was amazing. She had more grace, and joy and devotion than anyone I have ever known. She will forever be someone I look up to and admire and will strive to emulate in many ways. I am thankful to have known her and will miss her for the rest of my days. I look forward to seeing her again someday in heaven. I'm sure she will greet me well and laugh with joy when we see each other again.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=547030551993310
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thankful for...
 |
| Little Man's Mayflower diagram |
This time of year is bitter sweet for our family. We have so much to be thankful for but there are also some sad times attached to the fall for us. Many of the special people in our life have passed away during the fall so it is difficult to remember the happy times without also shedding a few tears of loss. My husband has had many losses on his side of the family including his own dad four years ago. He passed away the day after Thanksgiving in 2008 and is very missed by his wife, sons, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren...three that he had the opportunity to enjoy, one that he never had the privilege to meet, and one on the way. We are thankful, of course, for the time that we did get to spend with him but wish that it could have been longer. All the holidays were more entertaining with "Pop" around. There is definitely a void there that can't be filled, eventhough we enjoy being together in his absence. He did help make life very full.
 |
| Proud Grandpa |
*My God, who provides all that I could ever need
*A husband and best friend who loves, honors, protects and provides for our family
*My three amazing kids
*My extended family
*Wonderful friends both near and far
*My health and the health of my family
*A warm and happy home
*Always having enough
*Laughter
*Love
Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. -Psalms 100
Friday, November 16, 2012
Waiting is Hard
Because of the the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. -Lamentations 3: 22-26
IN CASE YOU HADN'T HEARD
I have been thinking a lot about patience and faith lately. Our family is in the middle of a very big transition in our lives. After thirteen years of service here, in about six weeks, Jamie will no longer be working for First Baptist Church of Los Alamos. At the beginning of January, we will officially be church planters. Our "plan" is to move to Santa Fe as soon as our home sells and begin a new chapter in our ministry and in our family. We continue to press forward with this plan and wait with anticipation for all that God is going to do in and through us there. What an exciting time! However, it still feels a little surreal. There is no place like limboland.
LIFE GOES ON
One thing that is keeping me from really feeling like it is going to happen, is that our life here just goes on normally as we continue with all our usual activities. The kids continue to participate in choir, sports, AWANA, and spend time with friends. We've been talking about this next step for a loooooonnnnng time but it has yet to become a reality, so we live life as usual. We are all just waiting for the new, the unknown, to come into our lives. Waiting for a new life to begin is difficult and strange.
WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE?
I like to plan things out. This is something that has been a huge test for me during this time. There is nothing for me to plan. Sure, I can plan what to put in the next box that I pack but I don't know what anything is going to be like when I unpack it. I don't know where I am going to live or who my neighbors will be. I don't really know what our lives are going to look like at all. I don't even know when we will be hitting the road. My best bet right now, is to take one day as it comes. I'm working on resting in the fact that God knows my future so I don't really need to know until I need to know. In the meantime, I will make dinner tonight, we will see family for Thanksgiving, we will decorate for Christmas...while waiting for the next who, what, when and where.
FOR SALE
The biggest challenge so far has been waiting for our home to sell. Keeping our house clean and ready to show is equally difficult! For anyone who has ever been in this position with young children, I know that you know what I mean. Unfortunately, the market is very slow. Our home has been on it for about four months and we've only had a handful of showings. I will be very glad to have the selling of our house behind us. I will miss this house but I will be thrilled for it to belong to someone else. While I wait, I have a safe, warm and comfortable place to sleep at night and for that I am very grateful.
NOT CONSUMED
I am reminded of another time when these verses first became a gift to me at another time of waiting and watching for God to work in my life. More than nine years ago, we were hoping and trying for a second child. We waited a long time. I finally became pregnant in July of 2003. We were ecstatic to find out that we would be welcoming another baby into our family in April of the following year. Unfortunately, I lost that child. Within a few weeks of having great joy, I entered a time of devastating sorrow. It was probably the hardest testing of my faith that I have ever endured. Through searching for comfort, God directed me to this passage of scripture. Waiting was hard. But, I survived that wait and our son was born in September of 2004. God kept his promise and I was not consumed.
WORTH THE WAIT
Going through difficult times like that one have helped remind me of God's faithfulness. While this time of waiting does not compare to the very sad time that I went through several years ago, waiting is still hard. I know that God has a plan, it may not look like the one I keep trying to form in my mind. It may be very different than what I would like to happen. But, I know that He will continue to be my portion. I can trust that His word is true. He will provide all our needs. I will wait for Him and I know it will be worth the wait.
IN CASE YOU HADN'T HEARD
I have been thinking a lot about patience and faith lately. Our family is in the middle of a very big transition in our lives. After thirteen years of service here, in about six weeks, Jamie will no longer be working for First Baptist Church of Los Alamos. At the beginning of January, we will officially be church planters. Our "plan" is to move to Santa Fe as soon as our home sells and begin a new chapter in our ministry and in our family. We continue to press forward with this plan and wait with anticipation for all that God is going to do in and through us there. What an exciting time! However, it still feels a little surreal. There is no place like limboland.
LIFE GOES ON
One thing that is keeping me from really feeling like it is going to happen, is that our life here just goes on normally as we continue with all our usual activities. The kids continue to participate in choir, sports, AWANA, and spend time with friends. We've been talking about this next step for a loooooonnnnng time but it has yet to become a reality, so we live life as usual. We are all just waiting for the new, the unknown, to come into our lives. Waiting for a new life to begin is difficult and strange.
WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE?
I like to plan things out. This is something that has been a huge test for me during this time. There is nothing for me to plan. Sure, I can plan what to put in the next box that I pack but I don't know what anything is going to be like when I unpack it. I don't know where I am going to live or who my neighbors will be. I don't really know what our lives are going to look like at all. I don't even know when we will be hitting the road. My best bet right now, is to take one day as it comes. I'm working on resting in the fact that God knows my future so I don't really need to know until I need to know. In the meantime, I will make dinner tonight, we will see family for Thanksgiving, we will decorate for Christmas...while waiting for the next who, what, when and where.
FOR SALE
The biggest challenge so far has been waiting for our home to sell. Keeping our house clean and ready to show is equally difficult! For anyone who has ever been in this position with young children, I know that you know what I mean. Unfortunately, the market is very slow. Our home has been on it for about four months and we've only had a handful of showings. I will be very glad to have the selling of our house behind us. I will miss this house but I will be thrilled for it to belong to someone else. While I wait, I have a safe, warm and comfortable place to sleep at night and for that I am very grateful.
NOT CONSUMED
I am reminded of another time when these verses first became a gift to me at another time of waiting and watching for God to work in my life. More than nine years ago, we were hoping and trying for a second child. We waited a long time. I finally became pregnant in July of 2003. We were ecstatic to find out that we would be welcoming another baby into our family in April of the following year. Unfortunately, I lost that child. Within a few weeks of having great joy, I entered a time of devastating sorrow. It was probably the hardest testing of my faith that I have ever endured. Through searching for comfort, God directed me to this passage of scripture. Waiting was hard. But, I survived that wait and our son was born in September of 2004. God kept his promise and I was not consumed.
WORTH THE WAIT
Going through difficult times like that one have helped remind me of God's faithfulness. While this time of waiting does not compare to the very sad time that I went through several years ago, waiting is still hard. I know that God has a plan, it may not look like the one I keep trying to form in my mind. It may be very different than what I would like to happen. But, I know that He will continue to be my portion. I can trust that His word is true. He will provide all our needs. I will wait for Him and I know it will be worth the wait.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Take a Deep Breath
Six years ago on a a snowy February evening, I took the last deep breath I would take for a very long time. In fact I think I might have sucked all the air out of the room. My daughter, my first born child, had a seizure and it changed my world forever. Just thinking back on that night brings tears to my eyes and the feeling of fear to my heart.
My husband and I had been at a party, laughing and enjoying a night with friends. It was snowing hard and it took us a very long time to get home to our two kids and their babysitter. Our six year old daughter was awake when we arrived home very late. She was complaining of a stomach ache. I thought she was stalling. I got her put to bed and was reading in my room when I heard her wrestling around in her bed. I thought she was having trouble settling in...she is a night owl and it sometimes takes awhile before she falls asleep. This was not unusual. But I heard her moving around alot. I thought if I went in to check on her it would prolong the process of her falling asleep and it was so late. Thinking back on that night I believe that she might have had more than one seizure. I definitely heard her thrashing in her bed more than once. It kills me now that I didn't go in there to see how she was but I also know that I would have been horrified by what I would have seen. Soon after all the movement my husband and I both came running because we heard a terrible gurgling sound coming from our little girl's room. It was a mixture of snoring and gagging and nothing about it sounded right. She was laying face down in a puddle of drool. We quickly picked her up and she was completely unresponsive. We tried for several minutes which felt like much longer to get her to awaken and respond to us, before calling paramedics. We were both so scared for her and I have to admit I don't handle this kind of stress well. Who really does? Her whole life was flashing in front of me and I was thinking we would never have her, the real her, ever again. The first responders arrived in less than five minutes and six firefighters came into our home to check her out. She had her eyes open by then. We described what we had experienced and they tried to get her to talk to them. We asked her to tell us her name and how old she was. Everything she tried to say sounded garbled and we couldn't tell what she was saying. It had been about thirty minutes since we first found her and she still couldn't talk to us. They decided to take her to the ER.
Our two year old son was asleep in his bedroom. We made the difficult decision for me to stay home with him and my husband would ride to the hospital with her. I was also two months pregnant and thought that if they needed to do any type of x-ray I wouldn't be able to assist them with her. It was very hard to stay home. Even though it was now the middle of the night, I called my good friend Linda. She sent her husband to the hospital to meet the ambulance and she and her teenage daughter came to help me. We left her daughter with my sleeping son and she drove me to the hospital. By the time I arrived, she was sitting up and acting like nothing had ever happend. On the way out to the ambulance, she asked her daddy where they were going and she was back. She didn't remember anything about the last hour or so of her life. Sadly, the ER staff wasn't too helpful. They believed because of the way she was acting that she hadn't had a seizure at all. They tried to convince us that she was just in a deep sleep state, sort of like sleep walking, when we were trying to talk to her. They gave her a red popsicle and after about an hour of observing her, sent us home.
The next morning I made an appointment with our pediatrician to follow up and thankfully, he took a more agressive approach to her situation. The days and weeks that followed were difficult. I was convinced that she could have a seizure at any time. She slept with us so that we would be more aware of any movement that she had. She had her first EEG in the early part of March. That wasn't very fun for anyone. It showed abnormal temporal lobe activity in sleep. It was followed by an MRI that was pure torture for her and for us. I am so thankful for modern medicine that can find answers and rule out possible problems, but those procedures are difficult to handle. Serious medical conditions and the procedures that go with them are definitely not in the parent handbookthat they send the baby home with at birth. It was especially difficult to send her back for her MRI, knowing that they could come back with some terrible news that would set the course of our life for a long time. We waited and we prayed. What we got, thankfully was a normal report. But that also left us with further questions. Was this a one time event? What was the cause of her seizures? How do we handle this non-information? Is there something else wrong with our child? What do we do? Does our daughter have epilepsy? We saw her neurologist who had some theories but no real answers. We kept her with us all the time. I remember thinking that no one else would be able to deal with this and I certainly didn't want to leave her alone with friends or caregivers that wouldn't know what to do if she needed help. I wouldn't want to put that on anyone. As if I would know what to do myself.
Life began to return to normal, sort of. It was always in the back of my mind and she had some difficulty with school but we were pushing through. In the meantime we had a healthy baby girl born into our family and some of the joy returned. Then it happened again. It was early in the morning on an October day and I was feeding the baby. Our daughter had come into our room and fallen back to sleep next to me. I heard her lips making a smacking sound and as I turned to look at her, her eyes were rolling back in her head, her long lashes were flapping, and her lips continued to smack. I yelled for my husband, who was in another room, to come. We both watched in horror as her entire body began to seize. He kept asking me "what do we do?" I kept telling him to just hold her and make sure she doesn't get hurt. I watched the clock and waited and grieved. It lasted about three minutes that felt more like thirty and then she slept. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of powerlessness and defeat that I felt. There's nothing like a seizure (your own child's seizure) to make you accutely aware that life is crazy, unfair and temporary. We didn't call the paramedics this time. I thought that unless she had another one, there was nothing they could or would do for her. Again we saw the pediatrician later that day and then there were more tests and less answers. Finally the neurologist told us he didn't think he would need to see us again unless she had another incident. He told us she had a "tendency for seizures" which isn't really a diagnosis. She never had to take any medication but we did keep some rescue medicine with us everytime we went on a trip or sent her to a sleepover. You would think we would have some relief knowing that she was basically okay, but I never felt completely secure with it. Maybe that shows a lack of faith, mostly I think I was protecting myself from what I thought was waiting, like a monster under the bed, to jump out and grab me when I wasn't paying attention. All this time, so many people were praying for her to be healed. And I walked around in a haze of disbelief.
It has been almost six years since she first had that seizure. I don't think I have taken too many deep breaths since then, until yesterday. At her well check a few months ago, we decided that another EEG would be helpful to know if she still has "temporal lobe activity". She had that test last Monday and we saw a new neurologist yesterday. He told me the news that I was hoping to hear. The EEG was normal. And I got to see her through new eyes, not as a seizure survivor or someone who may have one at any time...but as my sweet daughter. I took a deep breath and smiled. Freed from fear. My God is bigger than seizures, even when it felt like I was alone, He was there walking with me and comforting my nerves and heart. The last six years have been hard. I won't lie, I needed to hear the word "Normal" so badly yesterday, for me as much as for her.
Now I need to retrain myself to breathe deeply. Shallow breathing is hard on the heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e02UNZRsdSQ&feature=share
My husband and I had been at a party, laughing and enjoying a night with friends. It was snowing hard and it took us a very long time to get home to our two kids and their babysitter. Our six year old daughter was awake when we arrived home very late. She was complaining of a stomach ache. I thought she was stalling. I got her put to bed and was reading in my room when I heard her wrestling around in her bed. I thought she was having trouble settling in...she is a night owl and it sometimes takes awhile before she falls asleep. This was not unusual. But I heard her moving around alot. I thought if I went in to check on her it would prolong the process of her falling asleep and it was so late. Thinking back on that night I believe that she might have had more than one seizure. I definitely heard her thrashing in her bed more than once. It kills me now that I didn't go in there to see how she was but I also know that I would have been horrified by what I would have seen. Soon after all the movement my husband and I both came running because we heard a terrible gurgling sound coming from our little girl's room. It was a mixture of snoring and gagging and nothing about it sounded right. She was laying face down in a puddle of drool. We quickly picked her up and she was completely unresponsive. We tried for several minutes which felt like much longer to get her to awaken and respond to us, before calling paramedics. We were both so scared for her and I have to admit I don't handle this kind of stress well. Who really does? Her whole life was flashing in front of me and I was thinking we would never have her, the real her, ever again. The first responders arrived in less than five minutes and six firefighters came into our home to check her out. She had her eyes open by then. We described what we had experienced and they tried to get her to talk to them. We asked her to tell us her name and how old she was. Everything she tried to say sounded garbled and we couldn't tell what she was saying. It had been about thirty minutes since we first found her and she still couldn't talk to us. They decided to take her to the ER.
Our two year old son was asleep in his bedroom. We made the difficult decision for me to stay home with him and my husband would ride to the hospital with her. I was also two months pregnant and thought that if they needed to do any type of x-ray I wouldn't be able to assist them with her. It was very hard to stay home. Even though it was now the middle of the night, I called my good friend Linda. She sent her husband to the hospital to meet the ambulance and she and her teenage daughter came to help me. We left her daughter with my sleeping son and she drove me to the hospital. By the time I arrived, she was sitting up and acting like nothing had ever happend. On the way out to the ambulance, she asked her daddy where they were going and she was back. She didn't remember anything about the last hour or so of her life. Sadly, the ER staff wasn't too helpful. They believed because of the way she was acting that she hadn't had a seizure at all. They tried to convince us that she was just in a deep sleep state, sort of like sleep walking, when we were trying to talk to her. They gave her a red popsicle and after about an hour of observing her, sent us home.
The next morning I made an appointment with our pediatrician to follow up and thankfully, he took a more agressive approach to her situation. The days and weeks that followed were difficult. I was convinced that she could have a seizure at any time. She slept with us so that we would be more aware of any movement that she had. She had her first EEG in the early part of March. That wasn't very fun for anyone. It showed abnormal temporal lobe activity in sleep. It was followed by an MRI that was pure torture for her and for us. I am so thankful for modern medicine that can find answers and rule out possible problems, but those procedures are difficult to handle. Serious medical conditions and the procedures that go with them are definitely not in the parent handbook
Life began to return to normal, sort of. It was always in the back of my mind and she had some difficulty with school but we were pushing through. In the meantime we had a healthy baby girl born into our family and some of the joy returned. Then it happened again. It was early in the morning on an October day and I was feeding the baby. Our daughter had come into our room and fallen back to sleep next to me. I heard her lips making a smacking sound and as I turned to look at her, her eyes were rolling back in her head, her long lashes were flapping, and her lips continued to smack. I yelled for my husband, who was in another room, to come. We both watched in horror as her entire body began to seize. He kept asking me "what do we do?" I kept telling him to just hold her and make sure she doesn't get hurt. I watched the clock and waited and grieved. It lasted about three minutes that felt more like thirty and then she slept. I can't even begin to describe the feeling of powerlessness and defeat that I felt. There's nothing like a seizure (your own child's seizure) to make you accutely aware that life is crazy, unfair and temporary. We didn't call the paramedics this time. I thought that unless she had another one, there was nothing they could or would do for her. Again we saw the pediatrician later that day and then there were more tests and less answers. Finally the neurologist told us he didn't think he would need to see us again unless she had another incident. He told us she had a "tendency for seizures" which isn't really a diagnosis. She never had to take any medication but we did keep some rescue medicine with us everytime we went on a trip or sent her to a sleepover. You would think we would have some relief knowing that she was basically okay, but I never felt completely secure with it. Maybe that shows a lack of faith, mostly I think I was protecting myself from what I thought was waiting, like a monster under the bed, to jump out and grab me when I wasn't paying attention. All this time, so many people were praying for her to be healed. And I walked around in a haze of disbelief.
It has been almost six years since she first had that seizure. I don't think I have taken too many deep breaths since then, until yesterday. At her well check a few months ago, we decided that another EEG would be helpful to know if she still has "temporal lobe activity". She had that test last Monday and we saw a new neurologist yesterday. He told me the news that I was hoping to hear. The EEG was normal. And I got to see her through new eyes, not as a seizure survivor or someone who may have one at any time...but as my sweet daughter. I took a deep breath and smiled. Freed from fear. My God is bigger than seizures, even when it felt like I was alone, He was there walking with me and comforting my nerves and heart. The last six years have been hard. I won't lie, I needed to hear the word "Normal" so badly yesterday, for me as much as for her.
Now I need to retrain myself to breathe deeply. Shallow breathing is hard on the heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e02UNZRsdSQ&feature=share
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Nothing like a hail storm to bring us all together...
I find it interesting that when something crazy like a storm passes through our lives, we all love (even need) to share our story. It is pretty cool really that every person has their own take on an event.
I noticed this alot through both fires that our town has evacuated from. When we all got back, everyone had a story to tell. They told where they were when it happened, how they heard about it (or saw it or smelled it), where they went when they evacuated, who they saw, who they stayed with, how well they were treated because of their situation, personal damage etc... Somehow, sharing a common event brought people together. They had something to tell one another and they could, though briefly, relate to one another no matter what their background happened to be.
On Friday afternoon, we had a crazy storm pass through town. It left a bit of a small scale hurricane-like MESS in its path. Many people had damage to their homes, property or cars and it was an unusual flash in time for our little town. I happened to be driving home when it flew through, which wasn't very fun for me...little old lady driver that I am. It felt like a million marbles were being hurled at my car and then I was expected to drive on them. When I (finally) got home there was hail piled all over our yard and deck. The storm ripped leaves and pine needles from their trees and left debris all over the streets and sidewalks. Thankfully there was minimal damage to the trim on our house and that's about it. As I got out of the car, I noticed that there was a fantastic pine scent in the air, a reminder that even something hurtful can eventually bring relief, beauty, even joy.
The fun part about it was that the next morning we had our third and final garage sale of the year, and I got to have a lot of great conversations with people at the sale. Everyone had something to share about the storm. It made my garage sale alot more interesting and really helped the time pass. I got to visit with several neighbors who shared their stories. Several people stood around in my driveway, total strangers to one another, chatting about their experiences. Community.
It got me thinking about how each of us have something to share. It reminded me that we all have a story. Some of us have an exciting wild ride that we've experienced or some have had some damage that is harder for us to talk about. Nevertheless, we all have a need to share what we've been through with someone who will listen. Maybe sharing something personal helps us process all that we've been through, feeling someone else's pain validates our own feelings about an event. Maybe surviving the storm and sharing it with another person helps us recover from the damage that is left behind. For whatever reason, our personal stories become part of who we are and when shared can bring healing, relief and even joy. Do you smell the pine trees? I do.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Sweet Pea
Just turned five years old!
She is a pure joy (most of the time)! With her quick whit and funny sense of humor, she keeps us laughing and on our toes all the time. I can't believe my baby girl is "a whole hand" old!
We celebrated her birthday with family in the Pacific Northwest where she enjoyed being the center of attention of her Granna, aunt, uncle and cousins. Her Granna made her this cool cake and she enjoyed being a princess for a day!
When we returned home she got to share pretty pink cupcakes with her Cubbie friends at AWANA.
What a gift this little girl is. We can't imagine life without her and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world!
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