Isn't life just like a roller coaster? It's amazing to me that we aren't just dizzy all the time, with that woozy feeling in the pit of our stomach.
Several people have asked me "So...what are you going to do with yourself now that the kids are all in school?" I have to tell you that I have not had one normal day since we started school a month ago. Between volunteering and taking kids from here to there, making cupcakes and bringing them to class, visiting with parents outside the school, picking up sick kids, helping with homework, going to open house events, putting out all kinds of little fires, and doing all the regular things I do to keep our house running while also hosting people every weekend, not one quiet-sit with my feet up-watch HGTV-eating bonbons (where do you get bonbons?)-kind of day. Confession- I did take a nap yesterday afternoon. It was one of those fall into a coma for two hours kind of naps. Thankfully, I woke in time to go get the kids from school and then take them to the park for a play date, come home and make a quick dinner before going to the oldest one's school for Open House, come home and finish homework, play with the little one, do showers, read bedtime stories, and put everyone to bed.
So my answer is "This"... "I am doing this"...and you know what, I kind of like it. I am staying more busy now than I ever was with all of the kids at home. It feels really chaotic sometimes but we are beginning to get into a groove. We all have a lot going on both during the week and on the weekends but we're getting it all done and having a good time as a family while we're doing it. We've met some great people this month and are building on those relationships. I am enjoying it so much!
I must say, I could do without all the illness we've experienced since we've been here, but I know that it is just part of life. You can either let it get you down or face it head on and move past it. At the moment our oldest daughter has pneumonia. I could easily be freaking out and worrying but it wouldn't help the situation. We're letting her rest and taking one day at a time.
In the meantime, I will help make popcorn for the weekly fundraiser at the elementary school today, make cupcakes to take to the little one's class tomorrow, shuttle her to ballet and back, try to feed everyone something healthy to eat for dinner...and the day will be done before I know it. I guess I better get everyone up and going now...ready, set, GO!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
First Day Jitters
Like for many families in our area, and around the country, the new school year has begun. Our three kids have joined their classmates in new rooms with new teachers. They're making new friends and getting accustomed to a new routine. Wednesday was the first day for our oldest daughter and our son. Despite some first day jitters, they did beautifully transitioning to a new setting and expectations.
Friday was much harder on me than I expected it to be, as I escorted our third born and final child to kindergarten. I've only done this one other time with our firstborn eight years ago and I don't remember it being quite so sad. I had a rough time both times letting my kiddos go into the unknown world of school. It may have something to do with a few of the reasons we chose to homeschool for the past seven years in the first place. I never really got used to not having her around during the day. Dropping my son off for third grade wasn't quite so tough. I never had to leave him as a fledgling five year old and hope for the best. I have no doubt it would have torn at my heart just the same as it did for the girls. I think having other little children crying for their parents did not make it any easier on me. My little girl and most of her classmates sat quietly waiting for this thing called SCHOOL to begin while a few others struggled to hang in there. I held back the tears until I reached the hall. My girl was fine and I was a blubbering mess. I really couldn't reach my car fast enough. The first day of Kindergarten is tough...for the moms!
So we're off. Yet another unknown thrown into motion in this wild adventure here in Santa Fe. It is exciting and frightening but I feel a lot of relief knowing that all of my children are in safe places where they are going to learn as much about themselves and how to overcome obstacles as they are about the subjects they study in school. I have no doubt that they will make poor choices and learn from them, that they will have their hearts broken by someone they call a friend, that they will see and probably do things that I would not approve of. It will not be easy to watch and experience, but nothing about parenting is easy. I also know that they are wise and thoughtful and amazing people. They will be able to practice compassion and kindness and will hopefully gain far more than they will lose. We've done the best we could do to prepare them and now that it is here, I know they will do well.
I've worked myself out of a job...
It does feel strange to know that like all the mothers before me, I've worked myself out of at least part of my job. Yes I still will be cooking AND cleaning AND shopping AND doing laundry AND dropping off AND picking up AND helping with homework AND shuttling here and there. But despite all the ANDs, with no more small children at home, part of my job is complete. It brings both a feeling of accomplishment and sadness as I watch my capable kids head off into a part of their life that I will only know about through their stories and recollections and hopefully not too many notes from the teacher. I will get to be part of a fraction of their day instead of the whole. It will be an adjustment for sure but one that I welcome whole heartedly (ok, maybe at least with most of my heart!).
Here are the obligatory and AWESOME back to school photos from our first days of school this year:
Friday was much harder on me than I expected it to be, as I escorted our third born and final child to kindergarten. I've only done this one other time with our firstborn eight years ago and I don't remember it being quite so sad. I had a rough time both times letting my kiddos go into the unknown world of school. It may have something to do with a few of the reasons we chose to homeschool for the past seven years in the first place. I never really got used to not having her around during the day. Dropping my son off for third grade wasn't quite so tough. I never had to leave him as a fledgling five year old and hope for the best. I have no doubt it would have torn at my heart just the same as it did for the girls. I think having other little children crying for their parents did not make it any easier on me. My little girl and most of her classmates sat quietly waiting for this thing called SCHOOL to begin while a few others struggled to hang in there. I held back the tears until I reached the hall. My girl was fine and I was a blubbering mess. I really couldn't reach my car fast enough. The first day of Kindergarten is tough...for the moms!
So we're off. Yet another unknown thrown into motion in this wild adventure here in Santa Fe. It is exciting and frightening but I feel a lot of relief knowing that all of my children are in safe places where they are going to learn as much about themselves and how to overcome obstacles as they are about the subjects they study in school. I have no doubt that they will make poor choices and learn from them, that they will have their hearts broken by someone they call a friend, that they will see and probably do things that I would not approve of. It will not be easy to watch and experience, but nothing about parenting is easy. I also know that they are wise and thoughtful and amazing people. They will be able to practice compassion and kindness and will hopefully gain far more than they will lose. We've done the best we could do to prepare them and now that it is here, I know they will do well.
I've worked myself out of a job...
It does feel strange to know that like all the mothers before me, I've worked myself out of at least part of my job. Yes I still will be cooking AND cleaning AND shopping AND doing laundry AND dropping off AND picking up AND helping with homework AND shuttling here and there. But despite all the ANDs, with no more small children at home, part of my job is complete. It brings both a feeling of accomplishment and sadness as I watch my capable kids head off into a part of their life that I will only know about through their stories and recollections and hopefully not too many notes from the teacher. I will get to be part of a fraction of their day instead of the whole. It will be an adjustment for sure but one that I welcome whole heartedly (ok, maybe at least with most of my heart!).
Here are the obligatory and AWESOME back to school photos from our first days of school this year:
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Where did summer go?
At the beginning of the summer, we made a bucket list of things we would like to do together. We've worked hard to fit it all in...100 Fun Things to Do this Summer!
I'd like to report that we finished them all...but ALAS, we have only completed about half of the tasks. In my mind, that means we just need to keep working at it until we've reached our goal. To keep having summer until the last task is complete. I LOVE SUMMER!
Unfortunately, summer for us is nearly over. It is August already. Where did the summer go? I know I feel this let down every year at this time...only to ramp up into the fall, which I also love for different reasons. This year it feels a little different. Usually we are prepping for school like everyone else but for us in the past several years that has included getting school supplies and also curriculum, prepping for co-op and getting ready to study hard at the kitchen table. Not this year. I am feeling mixed emotions, most of them happy and joyful. My kids are so excited to head out into the big world and join the ranks of the friends they have yet to meet at public school. Yesterday we loaded up the cart with all sorts of folders, paper, notebooks, pencils, tissues, and Clorox wipes and will gather the rest later today. Oh, how I love school supplies! We checked off the items as we placed them in piles. We threw in a few items that weren't on the list just for fun. I've ordered the polos and purchased the pants/skirts required. They are waiting in a neat pile to join the other clothes in the closet. We've made sure old things that will work still fit. I guess we are just about ready. In less than two weeks, I'll be sending everyone off to SCHOOL!
In the meantime, we will be trying our best to knock a few more items off the Summer Fun bucket list. Here are a few highlights from our attempts at summer fun:
I'd like to report that we finished them all...but ALAS, we have only completed about half of the tasks. In my mind, that means we just need to keep working at it until we've reached our goal. To keep having summer until the last task is complete. I LOVE SUMMER!
Unfortunately, summer for us is nearly over. It is August already. Where did the summer go? I know I feel this let down every year at this time...only to ramp up into the fall, which I also love for different reasons. This year it feels a little different. Usually we are prepping for school like everyone else but for us in the past several years that has included getting school supplies and also curriculum, prepping for co-op and getting ready to study hard at the kitchen table. Not this year. I am feeling mixed emotions, most of them happy and joyful. My kids are so excited to head out into the big world and join the ranks of the friends they have yet to meet at public school. Yesterday we loaded up the cart with all sorts of folders, paper, notebooks, pencils, tissues, and Clorox wipes and will gather the rest later today. Oh, how I love school supplies! We checked off the items as we placed them in piles. We threw in a few items that weren't on the list just for fun. I've ordered the polos and purchased the pants/skirts required. They are waiting in a neat pile to join the other clothes in the closet. We've made sure old things that will work still fit. I guess we are just about ready. In less than two weeks, I'll be sending everyone off to SCHOOL!
In the meantime, we will be trying our best to knock a few more items off the Summer Fun bucket list. Here are a few highlights from our attempts at summer fun:
 |
| Making Mud |
 |
| More Mud |
 |
| Even More Mud |
 |
| Playing with Legos |
 |
| Flying Kites |
 |
| Baseball Pizza Party |
 |
| Getting Wet and Staying Cool! |
 |
| Farmer's Market with Friends |
 |
| Camping |
 |
| Hiking |
 |
| Los Golandrinas |
 |
| Picnic |
 |
| Exploring |
 |
| Climbing Trees |
 |
| Getting out of the hot sun. |
 |
| More Old Stuff |
 |
| 4D Movies |
 |
| LEGOLAND Discovery Center |
 |
| Rainforest Cafe |
 |
| Rangers' Ballpark tour |
 |
| In the dugout |
 |
| Going to a Rangers game |
 |
| Enjoying a hotdog |
 |
| Watching the game he loves! |
 |
| Enduring the heat! |
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
If the Shoe Fits...
Ya know when you have a shoe that just fits perfectly, it's like putting on an old friend? What happens when that old friend doesn't really fit anymore and starts to rub you the wrong way?
Or, when you fall in love with a shoe and bring it home but it never really fits and you wear it for awhile anyway because you think you love it so much?
Or, how about when the left shoe fits but the right shoe really doesn't?
Or, when the shoe just never really was right for you in the first place and you gave it a shot because you thought it was the right thing to do?
I've worn all these shoes.
We took on a particular shoe at our house about seven years ago. It was before our third child was even born. This shoe included so much effort and time and energy etc... that it really took on a life of it's own and at many times I especially didn't know how to identify myself without it. It became a shoe that I wore out of habit and all kinds of expectations. I really wanted it to fit and there were many days when it fit beautifully. Some days were like ballet shoes and we'd glide across the floor as smooth as can be. There were many days when that bad boy gave me blisters. Even more days where it felt like the heaviest work boot you can imagine. Still others felt like we had put on the lightweight runners and we were in it for the long haul. Regardless, it was our shoe and we put it on day after day and wore it through all kinds of weather. We loved that shoe, we really did.
Like most shoes, our shoe has a name. At our house we simply call it "school", others label it "homeschool". Many people are wearing these shoes these days and they've become pretty common and for the most part accepted, even popular. At our house we've reached a point in life where we've outgrown ours (at least for now). Of course I'll keep it around, in the back of a closet (or taking up half our garage) for awhile, just in case we decide it fits again. But, I rather doubt that we'll be wearing it much anymore. At the beginning of the adventure of homeschooling, we said we'd take it one year at a time. At that time we had one in school and one in diapers and the last one but a hope. Each year we would evaluate what life looked like and see if the shoe still fit. A few years ago that shoe was looking pretty ragged. It was about the time our second child was starting first grade. We knew our life would be changing soon so we stuck it out for a few more years just to keep the continuity. At the beginning of last year, that shoe was so tight and tattered I just about threw it out but we decided it could last for just a little bit longer. It would have been difficult to start a year in one shoe only to move and begin again in another. I'll be honest and say that it was a chore to put that baby on day after day to finish out the year. It became an all out challenge for everyone just to make it to the end.
So we're trying on a new pair of shoes in about a month. These shoes are shiny and exciting. The younger members of the family can't wait to slip their feet into them even to the point of saying they wish it were coming up sooner. ("Hello, don't forget about summer!") I'm a little more cautious but also curious to find out how these new shoes fit. I have yet to choose the pair I'll be wearing while their feet dance and play at "real school". As it gets a little closer there are days when I feel like we should pull the old shoes out and at least give them a fair shot, that maybe it would be easier to stick with the ones we know. But the new ones are hanging there ready to be worn. It is time.
I know there are those out there who might say that we've given up or that we're doing the wrong thing. There are many more that are cheering us on as we put on our Sunday best. I guess my sentiment to anyone who may be tempted to disagree with our shoe choice is to please not judge us unless you've walked a mile in our shoes.
Or, when you fall in love with a shoe and bring it home but it never really fits and you wear it for awhile anyway because you think you love it so much?
Or, how about when the left shoe fits but the right shoe really doesn't?
Or, when the shoe just never really was right for you in the first place and you gave it a shot because you thought it was the right thing to do?
I've worn all these shoes.
We took on a particular shoe at our house about seven years ago. It was before our third child was even born. This shoe included so much effort and time and energy etc... that it really took on a life of it's own and at many times I especially didn't know how to identify myself without it. It became a shoe that I wore out of habit and all kinds of expectations. I really wanted it to fit and there were many days when it fit beautifully. Some days were like ballet shoes and we'd glide across the floor as smooth as can be. There were many days when that bad boy gave me blisters. Even more days where it felt like the heaviest work boot you can imagine. Still others felt like we had put on the lightweight runners and we were in it for the long haul. Regardless, it was our shoe and we put it on day after day and wore it through all kinds of weather. We loved that shoe, we really did.
Like most shoes, our shoe has a name. At our house we simply call it "school", others label it "homeschool". Many people are wearing these shoes these days and they've become pretty common and for the most part accepted, even popular. At our house we've reached a point in life where we've outgrown ours (at least for now). Of course I'll keep it around, in the back of a closet (or taking up half our garage) for awhile, just in case we decide it fits again. But, I rather doubt that we'll be wearing it much anymore. At the beginning of the adventure of homeschooling, we said we'd take it one year at a time. At that time we had one in school and one in diapers and the last one but a hope. Each year we would evaluate what life looked like and see if the shoe still fit. A few years ago that shoe was looking pretty ragged. It was about the time our second child was starting first grade. We knew our life would be changing soon so we stuck it out for a few more years just to keep the continuity. At the beginning of last year, that shoe was so tight and tattered I just about threw it out but we decided it could last for just a little bit longer. It would have been difficult to start a year in one shoe only to move and begin again in another. I'll be honest and say that it was a chore to put that baby on day after day to finish out the year. It became an all out challenge for everyone just to make it to the end.
So we're trying on a new pair of shoes in about a month. These shoes are shiny and exciting. The younger members of the family can't wait to slip their feet into them even to the point of saying they wish it were coming up sooner. ("Hello, don't forget about summer!") I'm a little more cautious but also curious to find out how these new shoes fit. I have yet to choose the pair I'll be wearing while their feet dance and play at "real school". As it gets a little closer there are days when I feel like we should pull the old shoes out and at least give them a fair shot, that maybe it would be easier to stick with the ones we know. But the new ones are hanging there ready to be worn. It is time.
I know there are those out there who might say that we've given up or that we're doing the wrong thing. There are many more that are cheering us on as we put on our Sunday best. I guess my sentiment to anyone who may be tempted to disagree with our shoe choice is to please not judge us unless you've walked a mile in our shoes.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Just an ordinary day
There are days that are just worth it. Worth the trouble of getting it all done or letting it wait while you play a little. Worth the effort of holding the fort down while Dad is away. Worth the entertaining of little people. Some days are just a little bit special. Nothing really amazing happened today but the ordinary things can sometimes be fantastic all by themselves. We had a pay it forward kind of day.
First, our neighbor helped me air up the wading pool. Oh, it has been hot here lately. I am not complaining because I love the heat. Summer is the best! But, we could use more than a little bit of rain around here. I just knew it was going to be another scorcher when I was running the swamp cooler as soon as my feet hit the floor today. It was so nice of our neighbor to bring over his air compressor and pump that pool up so I could fill it with crisp cold water to soak our toes in. Just after I got the water going, one of our former students came by and brought a very special surprise to our littlest girl...It was Molly, her American Girl doll, and a bunch of special things that went with her. Wow! What a treasure for our almost six year old. She hasn't stopped playing with her all day. She and her brother dubbed today Molly's Gotcha Day and wrote the date down in the little journal that came with her. So much fun! As Kaitlyn passed down her doll and showed each piece of clothes and other items, she shared more than a toy, she shared her memories with our girl and she shared her heart. What an incredible gift. It made me think of the last scene in Toy Story 3 where Andy is passing down his special toys...in fact, it was exactly like that only better. It was a little bit magical.
Then, this afternoon we took what I was thinking would be a quick trip over to see the kids' Gram at the assisted living center where she lives. After chatting with her for a little bit, we headed out, only to be stopped by Mary, another resident, who called us out of the hall into the activity room where she was hanging out with several other residents. We met Mary earlier this week...I wasn't sure she remembered us but she so wanted to visit with my kids. She reminded us of her name and then asked the kids to dance. You see earlier this week when we met Mary there was a pianist in the common area that was playing some fun old tunes. The kids ended up doing a little ballroom dancing with each other. It was so cute and funny seeing them twirl around with each other. They had fun doing it and the ladies sitting around watching them thought they were adorable. It made their day. So today they did a quick dance and we said goodbye to Mary and her friends, smiles all around. We passed through their lovely courtyard and made it to the end only to run into Shammy, the 13 year old yellow lab and her owner. Shammy loves kids and my kids love her. We spent several minutes petting and loving on Shammy and visiting with her owner. What a sweet lady. After saying goodbye to Shammy, we headed back inside to check out and we ran into Duke. Duke is another old pup who's part blue heeler. His owner told us today that he is 14 years old. Today Duke was hanging out with Ivan, a part basset part dachshund. What a cute dog he is! The kids walked them both around the room on their leashes and scratched their tummies. I visited with their owners, both former teachers and had the best time chatting with them. Finally, after about an hour from when we arrived, we signed out. On the way to the car, my almost nine year old boy said that this was his favorite place to go in all of Santa Fe. He said the best part about it was playing with the dogs and helping the people to smile. I love that. I had to agree with him. It is a pretty special place.
Tonight we took a little drive around our neighborhood, saw the beautiful sunset and chatted about what a great day we had today. We came home and the kids put Molly to bed. They tucked her in and then we read the first chapter of her first book. Just an ordinary ending to an ordinary day. One I probably won't soon forget.
First, our neighbor helped me air up the wading pool. Oh, it has been hot here lately. I am not complaining because I love the heat. Summer is the best! But, we could use more than a little bit of rain around here. I just knew it was going to be another scorcher when I was running the swamp cooler as soon as my feet hit the floor today. It was so nice of our neighbor to bring over his air compressor and pump that pool up so I could fill it with crisp cold water to soak our toes in. Just after I got the water going, one of our former students came by and brought a very special surprise to our littlest girl...It was Molly, her American Girl doll, and a bunch of special things that went with her. Wow! What a treasure for our almost six year old. She hasn't stopped playing with her all day. She and her brother dubbed today Molly's Gotcha Day and wrote the date down in the little journal that came with her. So much fun! As Kaitlyn passed down her doll and showed each piece of clothes and other items, she shared more than a toy, she shared her memories with our girl and she shared her heart. What an incredible gift. It made me think of the last scene in Toy Story 3 where Andy is passing down his special toys...in fact, it was exactly like that only better. It was a little bit magical.
Then, this afternoon we took what I was thinking would be a quick trip over to see the kids' Gram at the assisted living center where she lives. After chatting with her for a little bit, we headed out, only to be stopped by Mary, another resident, who called us out of the hall into the activity room where she was hanging out with several other residents. We met Mary earlier this week...I wasn't sure she remembered us but she so wanted to visit with my kids. She reminded us of her name and then asked the kids to dance. You see earlier this week when we met Mary there was a pianist in the common area that was playing some fun old tunes. The kids ended up doing a little ballroom dancing with each other. It was so cute and funny seeing them twirl around with each other. They had fun doing it and the ladies sitting around watching them thought they were adorable. It made their day. So today they did a quick dance and we said goodbye to Mary and her friends, smiles all around. We passed through their lovely courtyard and made it to the end only to run into Shammy, the 13 year old yellow lab and her owner. Shammy loves kids and my kids love her. We spent several minutes petting and loving on Shammy and visiting with her owner. What a sweet lady. After saying goodbye to Shammy, we headed back inside to check out and we ran into Duke. Duke is another old pup who's part blue heeler. His owner told us today that he is 14 years old. Today Duke was hanging out with Ivan, a part basset part dachshund. What a cute dog he is! The kids walked them both around the room on their leashes and scratched their tummies. I visited with their owners, both former teachers and had the best time chatting with them. Finally, after about an hour from when we arrived, we signed out. On the way to the car, my almost nine year old boy said that this was his favorite place to go in all of Santa Fe. He said the best part about it was playing with the dogs and helping the people to smile. I love that. I had to agree with him. It is a pretty special place.
Tonight we took a little drive around our neighborhood, saw the beautiful sunset and chatted about what a great day we had today. We came home and the kids put Molly to bed. They tucked her in and then we read the first chapter of her first book. Just an ordinary ending to an ordinary day. One I probably won't soon forget.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Liberation
Perhaps with a title like that I should save this for Independence Day but, I've had this blog post rattling around in my head for some time now. I realized this morning after having a vivid dream about this topic that it was time to get it out of there and onto here. Here is my warning to you...reading this is likely to make you very uncomfortable. I am going to to do my very best to leave it raw, to try not to censor the importance out of it but it is going to be very hard for me not to fine tune it and fine tune it until it says exactly what I want it to say. I am also going to step on some toes. I will not name names but you will know who you are, whether I know you or not, you will find yourself here somewhere. Since my youngest daughter was about two she liked to throw around the word "awkward" at the most appropriate times. Then she got in the habit of saying "that was the first awkward of the day!" It made us laugh (on the inside and out loud) to hear her small voice declare what everyone around her was thinking. Now we use her line all the time. This subject is definitely "awkward" and believe me it is early here so it is the first one of the day. Let me start at the beginning.
I am a church planter's wife (well, that IS awkward!). Which also makes me a church planter myself. Not too many people can say that. It is an interesting profession/calling. In some circles, I might as well have said I am a prostitute...that is the kind of reaction that some people have. I tell you that before we head back to the beginning because I think that it is important to note where I have come when returning to the start. I have long known that there are two kinds of people, those who appear to be very comfortable in their skin, and those who are clearly not. There might be a third kind in that I believe that there are a few people who are very comfortable being exactly who they are, but the rest of us fall somewhere on the spectrum of trying or failing to be comfortable with ourselves. For most of my life in my opinion I have been trying but many times failing. Along with this, comes comparison. It is human nature and a very fine skill to compare two things and choose one that is "better". For instance, take two apples, one is smaller but a deep, inviting red. It is shiny and it has a crisp look to it. The other may be bigger but it is sort of dull and not very red. It may even have a worm hole in the side and just doesn't appear very crunchy. Which one do you really want to take a bite of? Comparison, it's a good thing. Or let's just get down and dirty. There are two pieces of chocolate cake. One is nearly as big as the plate it sits upon, the other a thin sliver begging to be called a piece. The big one has a load of thick, sweet frosting on top, the other looks like it has been licked clean by a happy five year old. It's a no brainer, when given a choice we choose the "better" one. Comparison is an important skill to learn, but many times we tend to over use it and use it against ourselves. This happens everyday in every circle of relationship in our lives. We make a million comparisons every day.
As a small child, I found myself comparing the concept of who I was to just about everyone and found me never really measuring up. I have always been a thinker and someone who watches and learns quickly and like most kids who aren't the "cool" or "popular" kid I compared myself to, I tended to avoid sitations where I might be forced to interact with "them". Let's face it, things don't really change all that much after people become adults. We are still constantly comparing and constantly trying not only to feel good about who we are but also to appear that we do to others. Conditioning from early in life has told us that it is "better" to fit in and to appear to be comfortable than to stand out and look awkward. This is especially important during those turbulant teen years when "awkward" is a way of life for everyone, but some people pull it off better than others. I did a mediocre job at best. Looking back, I'd say I barely scraped by. Some of this had to do with my "lot in life", who I was because of my family or who else I associated with, but some of it was because I just never really REALLY ever felt like I fit in to any circle. I was just different. Yes, I had friends and some of them were even awesome, talented, funny people. But, in my very core, I knew that I was different in ways that I can't describe. It didn't change once I entered adulthood. Sometimes my choices made me the odd one out and sometimes circumstances chose for me. (And when I did fit it was because I was making some really bad choices but that is another post for another day.) Either way, in most circles and in most situations, I don't fit. This is not a pity party. It is simply what I know to be true about myself.
The next part of this is going to sound strange to many people who read it and believe me it is not meant to be arrogant or self serving or to freak anyone out. I believe that God made me different for a reason, in fact He told me so. ("Oh my gosh, she just said that God has been talking to her." Yeah, He did and does sometimes and I crave those moments, more than shiny apples or chocolate cake.) It was on a day that I was struggling with our next step in ministry and He said loud and clear to me "THIS is what I made you for." The reason He made me different is to prepare me for what I am doing now. He made me uncomfortable in my life circumstances so that I would lean only on what I know to be true about myself and about Him. The reason He made me uncomfortable with who I am, is so He can change me into who He wants me to be. He did all this because He has a bigger plan for my life. He did all of this because He wants to use me right now. Being a pastor's wife is many times a challenge. It can be lonely. It can be frustrating. It can be many things awkward and uncomfortable. Being a Church Planter's wife just kicks it up a notch and screams "YOU DO NOT FIT!" If I hadn't felt that way all my life, if God hadn't been preparing me, that might be really hard. Instead, it feels really right. I feel comfortable with it, maybe for the first time in my life, it is okay to not fit.
"Why are you even writing about this? It is a little creepy and wierd." Definitely awkward. It's because I don't think I'm the only one. Maybe it is you. Maybe you just don't fit for a reason. I also don't think you have to be married to a pastor or a church planter to be different and used by God. I think that He wants to use all your life experiences in the past "For The Greater Good" (to quote the Incredibles). He wants to use you to impact your world and to bring glory to Himself. He wants you to FIT WITH HIM. It really doesn't matter about all the other circles in your life, He wants you in His circle and He wants you to infect the circles in your life where you have a voice and an influence. No matter how much you want to, you can't avoid interacting with the "cool" kids anymore and you can't run from situations where you don't fit. He wants you (and me) to invade them and shake people up and stand out for Him. The people around us need us to be different so that they can see Him living within us. So that when we make mistakes and apologize, when we live transparently in front of them, they will see God. You don't fit? Good. You weren't meant to fit. How liberating is that?
Please don't miss this:
http://www.youtube.com/user/brittnicolevevo?v=p9PjrtcHJPo
I am a church planter's wife (well, that IS awkward!). Which also makes me a church planter myself. Not too many people can say that. It is an interesting profession/calling. In some circles, I might as well have said I am a prostitute...that is the kind of reaction that some people have. I tell you that before we head back to the beginning because I think that it is important to note where I have come when returning to the start. I have long known that there are two kinds of people, those who appear to be very comfortable in their skin, and those who are clearly not. There might be a third kind in that I believe that there are a few people who are very comfortable being exactly who they are, but the rest of us fall somewhere on the spectrum of trying or failing to be comfortable with ourselves. For most of my life in my opinion I have been trying but many times failing. Along with this, comes comparison. It is human nature and a very fine skill to compare two things and choose one that is "better". For instance, take two apples, one is smaller but a deep, inviting red. It is shiny and it has a crisp look to it. The other may be bigger but it is sort of dull and not very red. It may even have a worm hole in the side and just doesn't appear very crunchy. Which one do you really want to take a bite of? Comparison, it's a good thing. Or let's just get down and dirty. There are two pieces of chocolate cake. One is nearly as big as the plate it sits upon, the other a thin sliver begging to be called a piece. The big one has a load of thick, sweet frosting on top, the other looks like it has been licked clean by a happy five year old. It's a no brainer, when given a choice we choose the "better" one. Comparison is an important skill to learn, but many times we tend to over use it and use it against ourselves. This happens everyday in every circle of relationship in our lives. We make a million comparisons every day.
As a small child, I found myself comparing the concept of who I was to just about everyone and found me never really measuring up. I have always been a thinker and someone who watches and learns quickly and like most kids who aren't the "cool" or "popular" kid I compared myself to, I tended to avoid sitations where I might be forced to interact with "them". Let's face it, things don't really change all that much after people become adults. We are still constantly comparing and constantly trying not only to feel good about who we are but also to appear that we do to others. Conditioning from early in life has told us that it is "better" to fit in and to appear to be comfortable than to stand out and look awkward. This is especially important during those turbulant teen years when "awkward" is a way of life for everyone, but some people pull it off better than others. I did a mediocre job at best. Looking back, I'd say I barely scraped by. Some of this had to do with my "lot in life", who I was because of my family or who else I associated with, but some of it was because I just never really REALLY ever felt like I fit in to any circle. I was just different. Yes, I had friends and some of them were even awesome, talented, funny people. But, in my very core, I knew that I was different in ways that I can't describe. It didn't change once I entered adulthood. Sometimes my choices made me the odd one out and sometimes circumstances chose for me. (And when I did fit it was because I was making some really bad choices but that is another post for another day.) Either way, in most circles and in most situations, I don't fit. This is not a pity party. It is simply what I know to be true about myself.
The next part of this is going to sound strange to many people who read it and believe me it is not meant to be arrogant or self serving or to freak anyone out. I believe that God made me different for a reason, in fact He told me so. ("Oh my gosh, she just said that God has been talking to her." Yeah, He did and does sometimes and I crave those moments, more than shiny apples or chocolate cake.) It was on a day that I was struggling with our next step in ministry and He said loud and clear to me "THIS is what I made you for." The reason He made me different is to prepare me for what I am doing now. He made me uncomfortable in my life circumstances so that I would lean only on what I know to be true about myself and about Him. The reason He made me uncomfortable with who I am, is so He can change me into who He wants me to be. He did all this because He has a bigger plan for my life. He did all of this because He wants to use me right now. Being a pastor's wife is many times a challenge. It can be lonely. It can be frustrating. It can be many things awkward and uncomfortable. Being a Church Planter's wife just kicks it up a notch and screams "YOU DO NOT FIT!" If I hadn't felt that way all my life, if God hadn't been preparing me, that might be really hard. Instead, it feels really right. I feel comfortable with it, maybe for the first time in my life, it is okay to not fit.
"Why are you even writing about this? It is a little creepy and wierd." Definitely awkward. It's because I don't think I'm the only one. Maybe it is you. Maybe you just don't fit for a reason. I also don't think you have to be married to a pastor or a church planter to be different and used by God. I think that He wants to use all your life experiences in the past "For The Greater Good" (to quote the Incredibles). He wants to use you to impact your world and to bring glory to Himself. He wants you to FIT WITH HIM. It really doesn't matter about all the other circles in your life, He wants you in His circle and He wants you to infect the circles in your life where you have a voice and an influence. No matter how much you want to, you can't avoid interacting with the "cool" kids anymore and you can't run from situations where you don't fit. He wants you (and me) to invade them and shake people up and stand out for Him. The people around us need us to be different so that they can see Him living within us. So that when we make mistakes and apologize, when we live transparently in front of them, they will see God. You don't fit? Good. You weren't meant to fit. How liberating is that?
Please don't miss this:
http://www.youtube.com/user/brittnicolevevo?v=p9PjrtcHJPo
Monday, June 10, 2013
Baseball Blues
Baseball season at our house is coming to an end. It never really seems long enough. Just about when a team begins to play well together, the season is over and they're handing out trophies. Of course, our son is in a league where the coach pitches, they don't really keep score and everyone "wins". It has it's exciting moments but mostly it is about the kids learning the rules of the game and everyone having a good time. Baseball is changed a little into a game of folly and there are a million errors. Half the time, the kids are spinning in circles instead of watching the game, or bent over playing in the dirt. Batting is their time to shine and they take it seriously, but the rest of the time, the coach is trying to keep them from playing tag in the dugout. Our guy's last game is Tuesday night, followed by a celebration at the local pizza place, handing out trophies and saying goodbye to kids we may not encounter again. It is a little bit sad, really. For a kid like ours, who makes connections with his team and loves to play the game, it will be hard not to be involved in something for a little while. It will be hard for him to wait many months to sign up to play again...the game he loves. He has made a lot of progress this year. It is awesome to see him take a swing at the ball and make contact, to watch him run full speed around the bases, to see the joy and the intensity of his game face. There really is nothing like it.
Something else has me contemplating the Baseball Blues but it really doesn't have much to do with baseball at all. It is the baseball pictures that we got last week. I bought the smallest package, partly because it was the cheapest but mostly because we have a dwindling number of people to give them to. When our oldest daughter was born and we had various portraits made, we had to get a bigger packet. Most of the great grandparents were still alive, there were grandparents and other extended family who would enjoy displaying a portrait on their fridge, or even put it in a frame and display it prominently for all to see...for them to brag about. Fast forward just thirteen years...we have no more great grandparents. The last one standing was my Grandma who passed away in December. My kids have one Grandad, a Granna and a Gram. They have a few uncles and aunts, very few people to send pictures to. It is a little bit sad (albeit cheaper when buying pictures) to think about how few people my kids have to call "family". Most of our family lives far enough away that we rarely see one another. Many of our family members will never see him play the game. So, we try to "make family" with the relationships we develop, but I've found that it really is not the same, no matter how hard we try. I wish it were different for them, and for me.
Something else has me contemplating the Baseball Blues but it really doesn't have much to do with baseball at all. It is the baseball pictures that we got last week. I bought the smallest package, partly because it was the cheapest but mostly because we have a dwindling number of people to give them to. When our oldest daughter was born and we had various portraits made, we had to get a bigger packet. Most of the great grandparents were still alive, there were grandparents and other extended family who would enjoy displaying a portrait on their fridge, or even put it in a frame and display it prominently for all to see...for them to brag about. Fast forward just thirteen years...we have no more great grandparents. The last one standing was my Grandma who passed away in December. My kids have one Grandad, a Granna and a Gram. They have a few uncles and aunts, very few people to send pictures to. It is a little bit sad (albeit cheaper when buying pictures) to think about how few people my kids have to call "family". Most of our family lives far enough away that we rarely see one another. Many of our family members will never see him play the game. So, we try to "make family" with the relationships we develop, but I've found that it really is not the same, no matter how hard we try. I wish it were different for them, and for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)