Take a Deep Breath

Six years ago on a a snowy February evening, I took the last deep breath I would take for a very long time.  In fact I think I might have sucked all the air out of the room. My daughter, my first born child, had a seizure and it changed my world forever. Just thinking back on that night brings tears to my eyes and the feeling of fear to my heart. 

My husband and I had been at a party, laughing and enjoying a night with friends.  It was snowing hard and it took us a very long time to get home to our two kids and their babysitter.  Our six year old daughter was awake when we arrived home very late.  She was complaining of a stomach ache.  I thought she was stalling.  I got her put to bed and was reading in my room when I heard her wrestling around in her bed.  I thought she was having trouble settling in...she is a night owl and it sometimes takes awhile before she falls asleep.  This was not unusual.  But I heard her moving around alot.  I thought if I went in to check on her it would prolong the process of her falling asleep and it was so late.   Thinking back on that night I believe that she might have had more than one seizure.  I definitely heard her thrashing in her bed more than once.  It kills me now that I didn't go in there to see how she was but I also know that I would have been horrified by what I would have seen.  Soon after all the movement my husband and I both came running because we heard a terrible gurgling sound coming from our little girl's room.  It was a mixture of snoring and gagging and nothing about it sounded right.  She was laying face down in a puddle of drool.  We quickly picked her up and she was completely unresponsive.  We tried for several minutes which felt like much longer to get her to awaken and respond to us, before calling paramedics.  We were both so scared for her and I have to admit I don't handle this kind of stress well.  Who really does? Her whole life was flashing in front of me and I was thinking we would never have her, the real her, ever again.  The first responders arrived in less than five minutes and six firefighters came into our home to check her out.  She had her eyes open by then.  We described what we had experienced and they tried to get her to talk to them.  We asked her to tell us her name and how old she was.  Everything she tried to say sounded garbled and we couldn't tell what she was saying.  It had been about thirty minutes since we first found her and she still couldn't talk to us.  They decided to take her to the ER. 

Our two year old son was asleep in his bedroom.  We made the difficult decision for me to stay home with him and my husband would ride to the hospital with her.  I was also two months pregnant and thought that if they needed to do any type of x-ray I wouldn't be able to assist them with her.  It was very hard to stay home.  Even though it was now the middle of the night, I called my good friend Linda.  She sent her husband to the hospital to meet the ambulance and she and her teenage daughter came to help me.  We left her daughter with my sleeping son and she drove me to the hospital.  By the time I arrived, she was sitting up and acting like nothing had ever happend.  On the way out to the ambulance, she asked her daddy where they were going and she was back. She didn't remember anything about the last hour or so of her life.  Sadly, the ER staff wasn't too helpful.  They believed because of the way she was acting that she hadn't had a seizure at all.  They tried to convince us that she was just in a deep sleep state, sort of like sleep walking, when we were trying to talk to her.  They gave her a red popsicle and after about an hour of observing her, sent us home. 

The next morning I made an appointment with our pediatrician to follow up and thankfully, he took a more agressive approach to her situation.  The days and weeks that followed were difficult.  I was convinced that she could have a seizure at any time.  She slept with us so that we would be more aware of any movement that she had.  She had her first EEG in the early part of March.  That wasn't very fun for anyone.  It showed abnormal temporal lobe activity in sleep.  It was followed by an MRI that was pure torture for her and for us.  I am so thankful for modern medicine that can find answers and rule out possible problems, but those procedures are difficult to handle.  Serious medical conditions and the procedures that go with them are definitely not in the parent handbook that they send the baby home with at birth.  It was especially difficult to send her back for her MRI, knowing that they could come back with some terrible news that would set the course of our life for a long time.  We waited and we prayed.  What we got, thankfully was a normal report.  But that also left us with further questions.  Was this a one time event?  What was the cause of her seizures?  How do we handle this non-information?  Is there something else wrong with our child?  What do we do?  Does our daughter have epilepsy? We saw her neurologist who had some theories but no real answers.   We kept her with us all the time.  I remember thinking that no one else would be able to deal with this and I certainly didn't want to leave her alone with friends or caregivers that wouldn't know what to do if she needed help.  I wouldn't want to put that on anyone.  As if I would know what to do myself.

Life began to return to normal, sort of.  It was always in the back of my mind and she had some difficulty with school but we were pushing through.  In the meantime we had a healthy baby girl born into our family and some of the joy returned.  Then it happened again.  It was early in the morning on an October day and I was feeding the baby. Our daughter had come into our room and fallen back to sleep next to me.  I heard her lips making a smacking sound and as I turned to look at her, her eyes were rolling back in her head, her long lashes were flapping, and her lips continued to smack.  I yelled for my husband, who was in another room, to come.  We both watched in horror as her entire body began to seize.  He kept asking me "what do we do?" I kept telling him to just hold her and make sure she doesn't get hurt.  I watched the clock and waited and grieved.  It lasted about three minutes that felt more like thirty and then she slept.  I can't even begin to describe the feeling of powerlessness and defeat that I felt.  There's nothing like a seizure (your own child's seizure) to make you accutely aware  that life is crazy, unfair and temporary.  We didn't call the paramedics this time.  I thought that unless she had another one, there was nothing they could or would do for her.  Again we saw the pediatrician later that day and then there were more tests and less answers.  Finally the neurologist told us he didn't think he would need to see us again unless she had another incident.  He told us she had a "tendency for seizures" which isn't really a diagnosis.  She never had to take any medication but we did keep some rescue medicine with us everytime we went on a trip or sent her to a sleepover.  You would think we would have some relief  knowing that she was basically okay, but I never felt completely secure with it.  Maybe that shows a lack of faith, mostly I think I was protecting myself from what I thought was waiting, like a monster under the bed, to jump out and grab me when I wasn't paying attention.  All this time, so many people were praying for her to be healed.  And I walked around in a haze of disbelief.

It has been almost six years since she first had that seizure.  I don't think I have taken too many deep breaths since then, until yesterday.  At her well check a few months ago, we decided that another EEG would be helpful to know if she still has "temporal lobe activity".  She had that test last Monday and we saw a new neurologist yesterday.  He told me the news that I was hoping to hear.  The EEG was normal.  And I got to see her through new eyes, not as a seizure survivor or someone who may have one at any time...but as my sweet daughter.  I took a deep breath and smiled.  Freed from fear.  My God is bigger than seizures,  even when it felt like I was alone, He was there walking with me and comforting my nerves and heart.  The last six years have been hard.  I won't lie, I needed to hear the word "Normal" so badly yesterday, for me as much as for her. 

Now I need to retrain myself to breathe deeply.  Shallow breathing is hard on the heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e02UNZRsdSQ&feature=share

Nothing like a hail storm to bring us all together...

I find it interesting that when something crazy like a storm passes through our lives, we all love (even need) to share our story.  It is pretty cool really that every person has their own take on an event. 

I noticed this alot through both fires that our town has evacuated from.  When we all got back, everyone had a story to tell.  They told where they were when it happened, how they heard about it (or saw it or smelled it), where they went when they evacuated, who they saw, who they stayed with, how well they were treated because of their situation, personal damage etc...  Somehow, sharing a common event brought people together.  They had something to tell one another and they could, though briefly, relate to one another no matter what their background happened to be. 

On Friday afternoon, we had a crazy storm pass through town.  It left a bit of a small scale hurricane-like MESS in its path.  Many people had damage to their homes, property or cars and it was an unusual flash in time for our little town.  I happened to be driving home when it flew through, which wasn't very fun for me...little old lady driver that I am.  It felt like a million marbles were being hurled at my car and then I was expected to drive on them. When I (finally) got home there was hail piled all over our yard and deck.  The storm ripped leaves and pine needles from their trees and left debris all over the streets and sidewalks.  Thankfully there was minimal damage to the trim on our house and that's about it.  As I got out of the car, I noticed that there was a fantastic pine scent in the air, a reminder that even something hurtful can eventually bring relief, beauty, even joy.

The fun part about it was that the next morning we had our third and final garage sale of the year, and I got to have a lot of great conversations with people at the sale.  Everyone had something to share about the storm.  It made my garage sale alot more interesting and really helped the time pass.  I got to visit with several neighbors who shared their stories.  Several people stood around in my driveway, total strangers to one another, chatting about their experiences.  Community.

It got me thinking about how each of us have something to share.  It reminded me that we all have a story.  Some of us have an exciting wild ride that we've experienced or some have had some damage that is harder for us to talk about.  Nevertheless, we all have a need to share what we've been through with someone who will listen.  Maybe sharing something personal helps us process all that we've been through, feeling someone else's pain validates our own feelings about an event.   Maybe surviving the storm and sharing it with another person helps us recover from the damage that is left behind.  For whatever reason, our personal stories become part of who we are and when shared can bring healing, relief and even joy.  Do you smell the pine trees?  I do.

Sweet Pea

This sweet pea:

Just turned five years old!

She is a pure joy (most of the time)!  With her quick whit and funny sense of humor, she keeps us laughing and on our toes all the time.  I can't believe my baby girl is "a whole hand" old!

We celebrated her birthday with family in the Pacific Northwest where she enjoyed being the center of attention of her Granna, aunt, uncle and cousins.  Her Granna made her this cool cake and she enjoyed being a princess for a day!

When we returned home she got to share pretty pink cupcakes with her Cubbie friends at AWANA.

What a gift this little girl is.  We can't imagine life without her and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world!

Apples, Apples, Apples

Nothing says Fall like a big batch of apples soaking in the sink.  Today was the day that I decided to tackle the bag of  apples that we picked from our neighbor's tree the other day.

Crockpot Applesauce was first on the list. I think I cored and peeled about thirty of those little cuties before having enough to start the batch of applesauce. Here is the recipe that I used:

http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/2008/09/crockpot-applesauce-recipe.html#

The kids and I decided to dehydrate a bunch to snack on.  They enjoyed using a little used device that I earned at a Pampered Chef party several years ago.  After I dusted it off, the kids had a ton of fun spinning the skin off a dozen or so apples. 

 



The dehydrator was equally unused and needed a thorough cleaning...the kids were excited to help fill the trays with sliced fruit and couldn't wait until they were dried out.  I set the timer and they checked it multiple times and asked with anticipation (and a little whining) when they would be ready.

We've enjoyed the smells and taste of apple treats all day today.  The dehydrator is still humming away in the background as I write this post.  The applesauce was delicious, we enjoyed most of it for lunch and I'm turning the rest into fruit leather just for fun.  I was able to freeze two big bags of apple slices, ready for a yummy crisp or pie, and the kids LOVE the dehydrated apples that they had for a snack a little while ago.  I bagged up what didn't get eaten- they won't last long around here!

I love this time of year!



This Boy

This Baby Boy:

Just turned eight years old!

He came into this world screaming just in time for lunch and has been loud and hungry ever since! Recently he has decided he is too old to kiss his mom (or anyone else thankfully) on the lips.  He enjoys torturing his sisters until they scream.  He got a lot more freckles on his nose this year and finally weighs more than fifty pounds (fifty one and a half to be exact).  He loves all things involving Super Heroes, Legos, and being active.

Ironman Lego

Captain America Shield

                                             

We celebrated his day at a local historical attraction where he enjoyed these fun activities.

 

 

 

 

Making Tortillas

 

His Adobe House

 

 

And he got to share cupcakes with his friends at church.  He enjoyed his day!

 

Happy Birthday!





 

 



This Girl

This Baby Girl:

 

Turned Twelve years old the other day.

She loves cheesecake, chocolate, and all things electronic.

 

 

She was especially excited about this gift.  It wasn't cheesecake or chocolate.  She could probably text you a clue to the mystery of what is in the bag. 

 

 



We love this fun loving girl who is now going on thirteen ( heaven help us!).

 

More thankfulness...

I have to say that I have been dwelling on gratitiude quite a bit lately.  I know it is a bit early for Thanksgiving but I just really can't help myself.  Everywhere I look in our home I find reasons to be thankful.  We really are blessed. 

About two weeks ago, our friend and pastor's wife, kept all three of our kids for three nights and four days.  She entertained them and put up with their uniqueness.  She spoiled them with sugary soda and playtime in the hot tub.  She taught our oldest daughter how to crochet. She even washed their laundry and sent it home clean.  All this so Jamie and I could get away for some training and time to ourselves.  I have no doubt that she had a good time with my kids, but am equally sure that she was thrilled for a little peace and quiet following all the activity that having three young kids in your house can bring. 

Yesterday, I purged the boy's closet and dresser to make room for the next size/season of clothing.  I was thinking to myself, "this guy is going to need a few things for winter."  Then, I found the size 7 stash and to my surprise, he has more than he needs.  Pants are always a big deal because he always seems to put a hole in that left knee quicker than I can make plans to reinforce them.  He has so many pants, I don't know that I really need to worry about it.  Where did these magically appearing clothing come from?  Some I have purchased from yard sales etc...but most come from amazingly generous friends. Some even still had tags on them.  He is not going to need a thing.  The really fun part is that I get to pass his outgrown clothes on to someone else who will get even more wear out of them.  I have two big bags waiting in the hall.   The girls' room is next!

We homeschool.  That can be expensive.  Imagine buying every single curriculum item, book, binder, workbook, and school supply that you could possibly need for the school year.  It can really add up.  I know because some years that is exactly what we have done.  This year, I decided that apart from a few necessary purchases we were going to make due with what we already have.  It has been easy.  Why?  Because I have an amazing friend who gave me more books than I really know what to do with.  It is awesome.  I am a bit of a book hoarder collector to begin with, but to have so many books for all different subjects at my disposal, is just incredible.  I love them!  Hopefully they will all get read in the coming years.  I am looking forward to it. 

For the past few months, I've been getting a regular text from my great friend that says "are you ready for more boxes?"  They have recently moved into a new house and as she has been unpacking, I have been the lucky recipient of her empty boxes.  As we prepare to move ourselves, many will be filled with the books mentioned above and some other stuff.  I'm so glad that I don't have to hunt down boxes or purchase them at Home Depot.

Today was fruit day.  Wow!  We got to pick peaches and plums at a friend's house this morning.  We also came home with a dozen pears from her neighbor's house and then went around the corner and picked a bag of apples at a kind neighbor's to add to the mix.  I cut peaches for an hour and put them in the freezer except for the ones I used to make a delicious cobbler for dessert tonight.  I have more peaches to work on tomorrow and apples, apples, apples.  It is so much fun to harvest and "mess with" these beautiful fall fruits. 

Tonight, we took a little walk to visit some sweet friends.  They are like grandparents to my kids.  As soon as we got to their house, she asked my oldest daughter if she would like for her to cut her hair.  They had been talking about her trimming it for a few weeks.  So, she did.  It was fun to watch them interact with each other to decide on how much to cut.  Then, the little one came in and wanted a trim too.  They both left feeling loved and lovely.  Both of which they are. 

What do all of these have in common?  All the things I've listed here were the result of acts of kindness on the part of people who care about people, who care about us.  I am full of gratitude and overflowing. 

Tomorrow, I get to make dinner for our wonderful friends who recently had a baby and I can't wait to deliver it...to visit with them and to see his precious face.  You can bet that there will be some sort of fruity dessert added to that meal! Later this week, I will get to pass on those hand-me-down clothes to a fun boy who can't wait to dig into the bags.  I will again feel gratitude for all that is done for me so that I can in turn do for others. 

More than anything, I am grateful for a God who sees all my needs and uses people to make my load lighter and my life a little more delicious!  As always, I am eternally grateful for the chance to be part of this amazing family: