Liberation

Perhaps with a title like that I should save this for Independence Day but, I've had this blog post rattling around in my head for some time now.   I realized this morning after having a vivid dream about this topic that it was time to get it out of there and onto here.  Here is my warning to you...reading this is likely to make you very uncomfortable.  I am going to to do my very best to leave it raw, to try not to censor the importance out of it but it is going to be very hard for me not to fine tune it and fine tune it until it says exactly what I want it to say.  I am also going to step on some toes.  I will not name names but you will know who you are, whether I know you or not, you will find yourself here somewhere.  Since my youngest daughter was about two she liked to throw around the word "awkward" at the most appropriate times.  Then she got in the habit of saying "that was the first awkward of the day!"  It made us laugh (on the inside and out loud) to hear her small voice declare what everyone around her was thinking.  Now we use her line all the time.  This subject is definitely "awkward"  and believe me it is early here so it is the first one of the day.  Let me start at the beginning.

I am a church planter's wife (well, that IS awkward!).  Which also makes me a church planter myself.  Not too many people can say that.  It is an interesting profession/calling. In some circles, I might as well have said I am a prostitute...that is the kind of reaction that some people have.   I tell you that before we head back to the beginning because I think that it is important to note where I have come when returning to the start.  I have long known that there are two kinds of people, those who appear to be very comfortable in their skin, and those who are clearly not.  There might be a third kind in that I believe that there are a few people who are very comfortable being exactly who they are, but the rest of us fall somewhere on the spectrum of trying or failing to be comfortable with ourselves.  For most of my life in my opinion I have been trying but many times failing.  Along with this, comes comparison.  It is human nature and a very fine skill to compare two things and choose one that is "better".  For instance, take two apples, one is smaller but a deep, inviting red. It is shiny and it has a crisp look to it.  The other may be bigger but it is sort of dull and not very red. It may even have a worm hole in the side and just doesn't appear very crunchy.  Which one do you really want to take a bite of?  Comparison, it's a good thing.  Or let's just get down and dirty.  There are two pieces of chocolate cake.  One is nearly as big as the plate it sits upon,  the other a thin sliver begging to be called a piece. The big one has a load of thick, sweet frosting on top, the other looks like it has been licked clean by a happy five year old.  It's a no brainer, when given a choice we choose the "better" one.  Comparison is an important skill to learn, but many times we tend to over use it and use it against ourselves.  This happens everyday in every circle of relationship in our lives.  We make a million comparisons every day.

As a small child, I found myself comparing the concept of who I was to just about everyone and found me never really measuring up.  I have always been a thinker and someone who watches and learns quickly and like most kids who aren't the "cool" or "popular" kid I compared myself to, I tended to avoid sitations where I might be forced to interact with "them".  Let's face it, things don't really change all that much after people become adults.  We are still constantly comparing and constantly trying not only to feel good about who we are but also to appear that we do to others.  Conditioning from early in life has told us that it is "better" to fit in and to appear to be comfortable than to stand out and look awkward.  This is especially important during those turbulant teen years when "awkward" is a way of life for everyone, but some people pull it off better than others.  I did a mediocre job at best.  Looking back, I'd say I barely scraped by.  Some of this had to do with my "lot in life", who I was because of my family or who else I associated with, but some of it was because I just never really REALLY ever felt like I fit in to any circle.  I was just different. Yes, I had friends and some of them were even awesome, talented, funny people.  But, in my very core, I knew that I was different in ways that I can't describe.  It didn't change once I entered adulthood.  Sometimes my choices made me the odd one out and sometimes circumstances chose for me. (And when I did fit it was because I was making some really bad choices but that is another post for another day.) Either way, in most circles and in most situations, I don't fit.  This is not a pity party.  It is simply what I know to be true about myself. 

The next part of this is going to sound strange to many people who read it and believe me it is not meant to be arrogant or self serving or to freak anyone out.  I believe that God made me different for a reason, in fact He told me so.  ("Oh my gosh, she just said that God has been talking to her."  Yeah, He did and does sometimes and I crave those moments, more than shiny apples or chocolate cake.) It was on a day that I was struggling with our next step in ministry and He said loud and clear to me "THIS is what I made you for."  The reason He made me different is to prepare me for what I am doing now.  He made me uncomfortable in my life circumstances so that I would lean only on what I know to be true about myself and about Him.  The reason He made me uncomfortable with who I am, is so He can change me into who He wants me to be.  He did all this because He has a bigger plan for my life.  He did all of this because He wants to use me right now.  Being a pastor's wife is many times a challenge.  It can be lonely. It can be frustrating.  It can be many things awkward and uncomfortable.  Being a Church Planter's wife just kicks it up a notch and screams "YOU DO NOT FIT!"  If I hadn't felt that way all my life, if God hadn't been preparing me, that might be really hard.  Instead, it feels really right.  I feel comfortable with it, maybe for the first time in my life, it is okay to not fit.

"Why are you even writing about this?  It is a little creepy and wierd." Definitely awkward.  It's because I don't think I'm the only one. Maybe it is you.  Maybe you just don't fit for a reason.  I also don't think you have to be married to a pastor or a church planter to be different and used by God.  I think that He wants to use all your life experiences in the past "For The Greater Good" (to quote the Incredibles).  He wants to use you to impact your world and to bring glory to Himself.  He wants you to FIT WITH HIM.  It really doesn't matter about all the other circles in your life, He wants you in His circle and He wants you to infect the circles in your life where you have a voice and an influence.  No matter how much you want to, you can't avoid interacting with the "cool" kids anymore and you can't run from situations where you don't fit.  He wants you (and me) to invade them and shake people up and stand out for Him.  The people around us need us to be different so that they can see Him living within us.  So that when we make mistakes and apologize, when we live transparently in front of them, they will see God.  You don't fit?  Good.  You weren't meant to fit.  How liberating is that?

Please don't miss this:

http://www.youtube.com/user/brittnicolevevo?v=p9PjrtcHJPo